Even if it kills me

"I don't know where I'm going from here but I promise, it won't be boring."

I woke up yesterday morning, opened a page on my computer and learned that David Bowie had died of cancer. This prompted the notion that there comes a point in every person's chronic illness journey where they say to themselves, “Oh wow, this is for real. It's not going away.” And then I also thought to myself, “Will I continue to love Lupus if it kills me?”

“My” Lupus is for real and it's not going away. Oh sure, there are many things I can do to make myself feel better and even to actually be better. Still, it's hanging in there like a dark shadow over my head. But even if it kills me, I am determined to look at the bright side of what Lupus has brought to my life.

I suppose it's mostly because I'm the stubbornly optimistic type. I refuse to look at anything from the dark side, as it were. But there really is more to it than that. I really am quite grateful for all the life lessons Lupus has pounded home for me. Top of the list is definitely empathy for the struggles of others. With Lupus, I understand completely what it's like to be powerless over one's body.

So many people like Bowie, that I admire have been lost to disease lately. Those diseases could not take away who they were, how they made me feel and the differences they made in my life. They did, however, render many great people powerless over their eventual fate. But you know what? We ALL are, aren't we? Powerless over death, that is. So why let it define us too? Lupus has my body but it can't have my spirit. Plus, it has taught me a great many things for which I have to love it.

So, yes, even if Lupus takes my life, I will be grateful for the awareness and the wake up call that have made my life what it is now. Lupus has indirectly slapped me in the face and shown me what's important in life. I will never think the same way I did before. I will never turn my back on suffering or pain in any form. I just simply have to love Lupus for all it has done for me, even if it takes my life.

And maybe, just maybe, if it does, someone out there will take my example and live positively through their own struggles.