OK. So, the title might sound a bit
selfish if you don't know me well. But one of the very best things
Lupus has brought me is permission to give myself a break from guilt.
Those who know me well, know that I constantly try to better and one
up myself. Do more. Clean more. Get more accomplished. To which I am
starting to stay, “Enough is enough! I'm not superwoman!”
Luckily, Lupus came along to suggest
that sometimes, doing better means giving myself time for the really
important things in life, rather than trying to do it all and feeling
guilty when I can't.
Feeling responsible for “fixing”
every little thing that happens to everyone I love and care for is
ridiculous. After all, I'm only one person. I can't possibly do it
all. Besides, the real fix happens when they learn to stand on their
own two feet!
Empathy is one thing. Taking
responsibility for absolutely everything and everyone around you is
quite another. I'm done!
My house is far from dirty but still, I
no longer feel guilty for that one unwashed plate sitting next to the
sink or the fact that it's been 2 weeks since I dusted. The dust
bunnies will still be there tomorrow. And it's perfectly OK to sit in
my bathrobe for an hour or so in the morning, working up the energy
to... well, work.
I am vowing to no longer feel guilty
when the grand-babies cry and I get a good night's sleep. I had my
turn at sleepless parenting nights. It's someone else's turn now. I
need the sleep with this illness raging through me. But even if I
didn't, I won't always be available. It's time to let others
grow strong through their own experience and struggles.
And yes, it's hard to hear them cry.
But if their parents don't have another option, they'll be OK, right?
Of course they will. Because they love them every bit as much as I
do. Problem is, I am too quick to step in. It's an easy out and what
parent doesn't need an easy out sometimes? I know I would have jumped
at the chance to have an hour of quiet when I was raising mine. LOL
Naturally, I will still be there to
help occasionally. I'm not a monster. Just maybe not every time, you
know? Because kids need to learn to rely on their parents. And how
will that happen if Grandma is always their “go to” comfort zone?
It won't.
Lupus is good for me, you guys. I'm too
much of a helper. Been that way for far too long. I've paid my dues,
so to speak. There's no reason I should feel guilty for not
feeling guilty. Because, how crazy is that? And yet, without Lupus
reminding me that I'm not the be all, end all fix for everything that
happens around me, that's exactly how it would be.
So, thanks, Lupus. For giving me
“permission” to live relatively guilt free for the rest of my
life. I earned it and it's time for me to focus on healing and
happiness. I don't need to be a hero to show my love. In fact,
thanks to Lupus, I now see that it's actually just the opposite.
Letting other people solve their own problems is much better for them
and much more loving.
Bye bye guilt, hello helping myself and
allowing others to do the same. I earned that shit and I'm embracing
it!
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