Do your worst first

Ever have one of those days where your to do list seriously outweighs your energy level? Well, thanks to Lupus, that describes most of my days. I'm so grateful my Mom taught me to do my worst first. I'm also grateful to Lupus for pounding the lesson home.

You see, on those kind of days, it really pays to do my worst first. I go through my list of to-do's for the day, select the one I'm dreading most and tackle it while I still have the energy to do so. Then I work my way through the list, always doing the worst of what's left first, thus saving the best (easiest) task for last.

By the end of the day, when I'm winding down, all I have last is a few 5 minute jobs that match my waning energy level. Now, my Mom was one smart lady. But I bet she didn't know how much she'd be helping me later in life when Lupus started pummeling me.

But here's the thing. Even if you don't have Lupus, or another chronic illness, my Mom's advice is relevant and useful. Because, let's face it, who wants to do their heaviest, most physically and mentally exhausting task at the end of the day when they're worn out? And who wants the mental burden of having those difficult tasks hanging over their head all day, bringing their mood down?

As you might have guessed, I'm having one of those days. Thus, the thought prompt that caused me to share this with you. And so, thanks to Lupus, I'm now off to do my worst. First.

Redefining the "D word" treat

Enough said?

When you decide to have your favorite treat after being good for a long, long time and it backfires on you, maybe it's time to start redefining what a treat is. Oh, Lupus, you are so good to me. You even remind me that treats aren't really treats. Because the long term effects of eating badly become instant Karma for those of us with Lupus.

Yesterday, I bought my old favorite taco flavored chips. You know the brand. Starts with a D. Yup You guessed it. They were delicious, I admit. A true guilty pleasure, at the time of consumption. Not at all vegan, either. I feel like shit for that. Plus, I overindulged a bit. Now, if I didn't have Lupus, it would have been a normal serving. But with Lupus, half portions are a necessity. So, a normal serving is too much for me.

So, last night was not a treat at all. In fact, it was such a bad night that it had me Googling (Sorry for the TMI) but it had me googling foaming vomit. And as it turns out, these particular chips are famous for that particular symptom.

Gross!

Lesson learned. What may appear to be a treat and what actually IS a treat in both the short and long term sense are two different things, yes?

But it's not just the one thing. Is it ever, with me? This experience really got me thinking. What other treats aren't really treats? What other long term symptoms am I giving myself when I overindulge or even just plain indulge my taste buds?

The long term health effects of consuming junk food “treats” are overwhelming aren't they? But some treats don't just harm the body, they harm the mind, the spirit, the soul and yes, sometimes even our relationships with others.

For instance, we ran into some family members last night and I was so sick that I couldn't even carry on a conversation. Not a treat. Not at all. For them or me. My stomach was rolling hard. And I probably hurt their feelings because, of course, I'm not going to burden them with my pain.

But that's not all those “treats” do to us. Thinking deeper still, there is a huge environmental impact, unnecessary resource usage and harm to human and non-human beings as a result of their production. Wow, just wow!

Yup. It's time to redefine the word treat. Because destroying myself, other humans, other animals and the earth is not my idea of a treat.

I'm lucky I have Lupus. Most people don't get an instant Karma reminder that junk food is bad for you. With most people, it builds up in their system until they keel over from a heart attack or some such. So, thanks for the swift kick in the gut, Lupus.

You are loved.

Here's to guilt free living

OK. So, the title might sound a bit selfish if you don't know me well. But one of the very best things Lupus has brought me is permission to give myself a break from guilt. Those who know me well, know that I constantly try to better and one up myself. Do more. Clean more. Get more accomplished. To which I am starting to stay, “Enough is enough! I'm not superwoman!”

Luckily, Lupus came along to suggest that sometimes, doing better means giving myself time for the really important things in life, rather than trying to do it all and feeling guilty when I can't.

Feeling responsible for “fixing” every little thing that happens to everyone I love and care for is ridiculous. After all, I'm only one person. I can't possibly do it all. Besides, the real fix happens when they learn to stand on their own two feet!

Empathy is one thing. Taking responsibility for absolutely everything and everyone around you is quite another. I'm done!

My house is far from dirty but still, I no longer feel guilty for that one unwashed plate sitting next to the sink or the fact that it's been 2 weeks since I dusted. The dust bunnies will still be there tomorrow. And it's perfectly OK to sit in my bathrobe for an hour or so in the morning, working up the energy to... well, work.

I am vowing to no longer feel guilty when the grand-babies cry and I get a good night's sleep. I had my turn at sleepless parenting nights. It's someone else's turn now. I need the sleep with this illness raging through me. But even if I didn't, I won't always be available. It's time to let others grow strong through their own experience and struggles.

And yes, it's hard to hear them cry. But if their parents don't have another option, they'll be OK, right? Of course they will. Because they love them every bit as much as I do. Problem is, I am too quick to step in. It's an easy out and what parent doesn't need an easy out sometimes? I know I would have jumped at the chance to have an hour of quiet when I was raising mine. LOL

Naturally, I will still be there to help occasionally. I'm not a monster. Just maybe not every time, you know? Because kids need to learn to rely on their parents. And how will that happen if Grandma is always their “go to” comfort zone? It won't.

Lupus is good for me, you guys. I'm too much of a helper. Been that way for far too long. I've paid my dues, so to speak. There's no reason I should feel guilty for not feeling guilty. Because, how crazy is that? And yet, without Lupus reminding me that I'm not the be all, end all fix for everything that happens around me, that's exactly how it would be.

So, thanks, Lupus. For giving me “permission” to live relatively guilt free for the rest of my life. I earned it and it's time for me to focus on healing and happiness. I don't need to be a hero to show my love. In fact, thanks to Lupus, I now see that it's actually just the opposite. Letting other people solve their own problems is much better for them and much more loving.

Bye bye guilt, hello helping myself and allowing others to do the same. I earned that shit and I'm embracing it!